I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize