shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm having to shit out rocks
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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