thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
