i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
