The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
