can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize