can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
