I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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