Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
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