you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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