I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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