just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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