Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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