i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
