Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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