My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Randomize
