Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
