Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
