She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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