Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
