I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
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