Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
