This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
