Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
