After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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