i think i have two assholes
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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