no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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