i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
