I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I want to fling myself into the sun
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
