and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
