Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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