I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
