There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
