She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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