I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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