i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
