take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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