I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
