So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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