Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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