When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
