my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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