Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
