My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize