The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
