New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
