I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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