Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
