My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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