The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
