Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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