he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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