You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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