you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize