just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
