I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
