I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
