I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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