My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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