I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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