We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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