Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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