whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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