smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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