i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize