i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
