Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
