Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
it's great music for shaving your balls
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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