I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
