did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
