Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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